There’s a type of relationship failure that’s called “financial infidelity.” It’s when the spouses actually don’t cheat on each other and maybe the embodiment of faithfulness. But one of the spouses, or both, lies to each other about money, such as hiding debts or having separate accounts and not telling about this to a partner.
Such a thing happened to today’s hero, a man who’s happily married to the love of his life and is busy making plans for their bright future. But his wife is acting like she’s preparing for the worst and is even saving money for this case.
The man’s family life seems nothing but perfect.
A man named Jason wrote to us, and all he wanted was to hear some opinions about his complex family situation. He started his story by saying that he was totally satisfied with his family life. He and his wife, Joleen, have been happily married for over 10 years now. Before tying the knot, they had been dating for over 15 years.
Jason was sure that he knew Joleen, her character, her habits, what she liked and disliked, and what kind of person she was. He has always been absolutely sure that he and his wife share a solid bond, as their relationship stood the storm of time, and they were through many troubles and challenges together.
His family has always seemed ideal to Jason, and even when he and Joleen had some hardships and misunderstandings, no one has ever mentioned a divorce. So, the man was shocked and surprised to find out that his wife was actually preparing for a possible split and was even saving money for this.
Jason’s accidental discovery has put an end to his trust in his wife.
Jason goes on, saying that he and his wife both work full time and have a combined budget. The man writes that he has never hidden any information about his income and expenses from his wife. He used to think that everything that they did, including the financial planning, was the subject of an open discussion and mutual understanding. But as he confessed later, he was mistaken to even think so.
The weird behavior of Jason’s wife began when they were just 3 years married. The man writes, “Whenever I asked my wife about her income, she started acting aggressively. I had a feeling that she was trying to hide something. But at the same time, I had no visible reasons not to trust her or suspect her. So, I left this thought behind and explained to myself that she just didn’t want me to control the extra finance that she planned to spend on something for herself only.”
One day, Jason and his wife were staying at home doing some normal everyday things. There wasn’t even a hint of his wife’s bad mood. She looked and behaved in the usual way, without a sign that something was disturbing her or that she was not satisfied with her life. Joleen went to another room to have a talk with her mom on the phone, and Jason decided to take a shower in the meantime.
He then noticed that he’d forgotten to take a towel with him and left the bathroom to ask his wife where the clean towels were. At that moment, he accidentally heard her talking to her mom; she was saying something about a divorce, and of course, Jason was all ears from then on, trying to figure out what she meant.
It turned out that Jason’s wife had a skeleton in a cupboard.
Jason goes on, saying that what he heard next was a huge shock for him. Joleen clearly said that she’s putting off some money, and she has a separate bank account where she keeps it. She was offering her mom to take some sum from that account, saying that she doesn’t need it immediately, as she’s saving for a possible divorce with Jason, which is not likely to happen very soon.
The man revealed that he felt like all his life was a house made from paper bricks, which suddenly started to crush and fall apart after a strong wind. Not only was his wife financially unfaithful to him, but she also was literally preparing for a possible divorce somewhere in the future.
Jason wrote that he, on his end, has never even thought of a divorce, and he was sure that he would live with Joleen till the end of his life. He was planning to have kids together, buy a new house, and change jobs that would allow him to earn more. But at that moment, he felt like he was totally deceived, and his frustration was really big.
Jason’s trust for Joleen is now all gone, and the man is in strong doubt.
Jason admitted that after he found out that his wife was, to some extent, plotting a divorce, he lost trust in everything, including even her faithfulness. He wrote, “I knew this was not the right thing to do, but I even started suspecting my wife of cheating on me. This was like a chain reaction: she hid her financial information from me, she was saving money for her own purposes, and she was ready for a divorce. No wonder that I didn’t trust her anymore in other things.”
The man confessed that he couldn’t even ask her to sit and talk together because he thought it was pointless. He now seriously thinks about making a pause in their relationship and living separately for some time. He also admitted that now he’s considering a divorce, too. Jason wrote that he’s not ready for it now, but he believes that without trust, no family can exist peacefully, so he supposes that sooner or later, their marriage will come to an end.
The man asked us for advice on what he should do and if he’s not overreacting to what his wife has been doing.
We strongly advise Jason to think things over and not be in a rush with decisions.
We are thankful to Jason for his trust and for sharing his story with us. Our advice would be to think things over and not to be in a rush to draw any conclusions. Jason’s wife may have some insecurities, and it may occur that she’s simply afraid of losing her family.
She may not be exactly preparing for divorce but rather be afraid of it. This may have pushed her to save money in order not to lose everything in the end. Also, some women may just be too financially dependent on their spouses, especially if a husband earns more than a wife, and after childbirth, women become even more vulnerable, as they have less time for earning and spend more time looking after the kids.
This way or that, we recommend Jason to talk to his wife first, even if he thinks it’ll bring no result. He should listen to her arguments, and maybe, during a candid conversation, he’ll find out even more about his wife, her fears and hopes, and will understand her better.
Some people really prefer not to talk to each other while having a conflict. And here’s a story about a Japanese couple who didn’t speak a word to each other for 20 years.
